H

so my last entry was supposed to be much shorter and these words were meant to be included, here it goes...

i have come to believe - out of lack of a better theory - that i can smell heroin on men. i have never witnessed anyone using this drug, i have never seen it. i wouldn't physically be able to recognize the smell from any other smell, let alone name it. so how does this make any sense? out of the five men i have ever wanted to love, four have encountered it. to my knowledge, this drug is not extremely common, no? i also hadn't acquired this information about any of them until quite after i desired them. okay, you might say that i am dangerously attracted to tragedy, and at that accusation i would whole-heartedly agree. i mean, really - there's nothing more romantic than sadness. it has been my life's aspiration to find a soul unlike mine that could emulate my need for restlessness and my fascination with personal tribulations...so that i could be a purity that he's always yearned for. something that is his alone. that reminds him to have faith in man. i want to ease his soul and i want him to stir mine.

but i can't let let this surprisingly large ratio be regarded as a mere coincidence! maybe the scientists have it right! maybe they know a thing or two, and are just being much too broad about the whole thing. our motives are on a biological level, i feel. and they vary greatly. but i still think i can smell H.

a set up for "H" that turned into a rant...

Scientists say attraction is eighty percent pheremones. or maybe my friend jordan just informed me of this last night...either way, we all know that our sense of smell is the stongest sense as far as its ability to effect our brains. we rediscover lost memories through scent (second day alcohol mixed with morning coffee on daniel gave me tangible evidence as to why my dad smelled that way when he made me breakfast in the morning). it even lets us know when a potential suitor's immune system is too close to our own, therefor reproducing with said suitor would not make for stronger, healthier offspring. we aren't really aware this is happening. it's just a simple, "wow that guy/girl smells gross."

scientists also say that a man's income/car/occupation make him more/less attractive to women. ha, it's funny how my whole life i have proved to - whether it be through conscious effort or not - not be the example but the exception to the rule...because mostly the rule is fucked up and so far from romantic it makes me sad for the general population of the planet. this is how people are living? we get this earth, right? and it's the most magnificent thing, and its beauty is limitless. and we get a spectrum of emotion to process the things we see and to interact with the only other thing of true value - people. (animals, too. but that's a whole other conversation.) and all anyone cares about is status and money. no wonder men have such negative views of women sometimes. but this is the way we are programmed starting the day we are born. i don't know what makes some of us see through it. it's a gift and a curse because although i do feel a tad enlightened, i also want to beat the stupid out of the people who can't stop "doing" for just a moment to start "thinking" about why they are doing it. or why they have the opinions they do. did they come to these conclusions on account of themselves or were they just complacent to the media's collective views/morals? i don't know, but i'm tired of hitting my head against a brick wall.