we're all such masochists.

fuck all of it. is loss exactly that? does it mean i should lose the memories and the love and whatever the fuck else i keep? forget all of it? free myself of it? did i hate to watch eternal sunshine because i knew it was real and an experience i never wanted to confront?

just pretend you've never been in love. pretend you've never even wanted to. this might be the only thing you can do to survive. your heart is much too sick otherwise. forget about it.

love material things. love experiences. forget companionship. forget passion. forget romance. forget intensity. forget trust. forget love. forget every single male you thought was worth anything.

"O, teach me how i should forget to think"

jack on fire

I am like Jack, I am from southern land
I'm holding your happiness in my hand
the sun behind me is a sexual red
and all your bounty-hunting ghosts are dead

I am like Jack and I tell you this
I will be your lover and exorcist
In the stillness of the mosquito sunset
you will make love to me to your very best

Hey, hey, I'm a Jack On Fire
hey, hey, your lips kiss Jack on Fire

Way back in the Indian days
nothing could drive the heat away
drive the search and murder of lost enemies
drive deep into what is never seen

And like Jack, there is a heat to the fight
like a moth detects a heat to the light
and like Jack, I will covet everything that is you
because, the heat in you will temporarily do

Hey, hey, I'm a Jack On Fire
hey, hey, your lips kiss Jack on Fire

When you fall in love with me
we can dig a hole by the willow tree
then, I will fuck you until you die
bury you and kiss this town goodbye,

it will be unhappy, it will be sad
but, it will be understood that I am BAD!
so don't you go and lie to me
'cause everyday is judgement day with me

two to tango

i am sick of masturbating.

H

so my last entry was supposed to be much shorter and these words were meant to be included, here it goes...

i have come to believe - out of lack of a better theory - that i can smell heroin on men. i have never witnessed anyone using this drug, i have never seen it. i wouldn't physically be able to recognize the smell from any other smell, let alone name it. so how does this make any sense? out of the five men i have ever wanted to love, four have encountered it. to my knowledge, this drug is not extremely common, no? i also hadn't acquired this information about any of them until quite after i desired them. okay, you might say that i am dangerously attracted to tragedy, and at that accusation i would whole-heartedly agree. i mean, really - there's nothing more romantic than sadness. it has been my life's aspiration to find a soul unlike mine that could emulate my need for restlessness and my fascination with personal tribulations...so that i could be a purity that he's always yearned for. something that is his alone. that reminds him to have faith in man. i want to ease his soul and i want him to stir mine.

but i can't let let this surprisingly large ratio be regarded as a mere coincidence! maybe the scientists have it right! maybe they know a thing or two, and are just being much too broad about the whole thing. our motives are on a biological level, i feel. and they vary greatly. but i still think i can smell H.

a set up for "H" that turned into a rant...

Scientists say attraction is eighty percent pheremones. or maybe my friend jordan just informed me of this last night...either way, we all know that our sense of smell is the stongest sense as far as its ability to effect our brains. we rediscover lost memories through scent (second day alcohol mixed with morning coffee on daniel gave me tangible evidence as to why my dad smelled that way when he made me breakfast in the morning). it even lets us know when a potential suitor's immune system is too close to our own, therefor reproducing with said suitor would not make for stronger, healthier offspring. we aren't really aware this is happening. it's just a simple, "wow that guy/girl smells gross."

scientists also say that a man's income/car/occupation make him more/less attractive to women. ha, it's funny how my whole life i have proved to - whether it be through conscious effort or not - not be the example but the exception to the rule...because mostly the rule is fucked up and so far from romantic it makes me sad for the general population of the planet. this is how people are living? we get this earth, right? and it's the most magnificent thing, and its beauty is limitless. and we get a spectrum of emotion to process the things we see and to interact with the only other thing of true value - people. (animals, too. but that's a whole other conversation.) and all anyone cares about is status and money. no wonder men have such negative views of women sometimes. but this is the way we are programmed starting the day we are born. i don't know what makes some of us see through it. it's a gift and a curse because although i do feel a tad enlightened, i also want to beat the stupid out of the people who can't stop "doing" for just a moment to start "thinking" about why they are doing it. or why they have the opinions they do. did they come to these conclusions on account of themselves or were they just complacent to the media's collective views/morals? i don't know, but i'm tired of hitting my head against a brick wall.

daniel - chapter I

i knew a man once. his name was daniel. he was beautiful. he was the perfect equation of androgyny in every way. his hands were perfectly proportioned and moved like an artist, but they were also callused - like a man's hands should be. his build was slender; a medium height. his eyes were intense and saw through my soul. they pierced me. his mixed blood made his bone structure impeccable. his pretty face addicted me to his presence - his approval - his love. daniel's mouth made it hard to stand at times. the way it sat on his face, the way he used it, the way it grazed me. it made me want to give him the only thing i possessed of any value. myself. heart body soul.
he had an arsenal of experience under his belt. he had much experience with girls like me. there was never an opportunity he'd turn down. yet he was so genuine, so honest. he was so young; just trying to figure out how all of his romantic ideas of the world would fit into reality. he loved film and music. he saw his life as scene to scene. he would make choices based on his affinity for cinematic drama. being one who acts purely from the heart and a sense of yearning, this only made me believe in us more whole-heartedly. he had a confidence that charmed like flies to honey. he thought if he gave the impression he was worth something, he would start to believe it himself. he was worth everything to me. priceless, and mine. this is what heaven would have been like.