Fake like you

You make up the truth so you can live with yourself.  I'll make up the truth so I can live without you.

Ode to Codependence

I understand why when you look at me
hurt and angry
I am both devastated and viscerally
drawn to your side.
The evidence of intensity you have for me
satisfies me in indescribable measures.
Our instant intimacy
made air like fermented fruit.
The perfume of the semblance the two of us have.
Doors shut, fears dissolve.
Sex is our sacrament.
We worship, eyes locked, then get unconscious.
You sleep and I dream.
You sleep and I wish. I wish.

harpoons

how can i have no faith in the manifestation of my desires and still crave it more than anything? evil and fickle is love. the hook dragged through creates a pain that's unbearable yet an unending fixation for more.

can i hurt you? (anthony hindsight)

i see the way your lies envelop your existence. how they eat you away. how you sink deeper into your hedonistic ways. indulging is all you can do to cope with the irrevocable events that shaped your life. everyone loses. you hurt, she hurts...i hurt. i'm done compromising myself. what i need, my desires. i constantly remind myself that you would only drag me down. you would lie and cheat and never truly be my partner and equal. i would never be respected for my beliefs or the magnificent person i am.


but i've never been spoken to that way. i've never been looked at in that manner. there was no fear in your eyes when you looked at me. and i've never been handled with such affection and assertiveness. when i looked at you, i saw every pure and remarkable sliver of your being that you'd forgotten and forsaken. i held back as much as i could for fear of rejection. but i would have loved you. and i would have believed in your ability to love me.

between friends

lee: why am i such a shitty lover? not sexually, emotionally.

me: you're not a shitty lover. you're a muse. they don't fall in love and they're wanted by everyone. they get bored easily. they're endlessly witty and beautiful and artistic. i am not a muse. i am a lover. you are a muse.

lee: thank you.

Me: just the truth sistergirl. we're all doomed to hurt.

lee: shit shit shit

me: i just wait for the next time i'm in someone's arms, and hope it makes me feel the way it should and not the way it shouldn't. ahha and hope that it doesn't leave. not the feeling (that isn't a mystery) but the person.

lee: i suck. i'm the one that leaves. every time. i'm a shitty person and i like to escape.

me: you are twenty-three years old. do what you like. do what you like till you die.

untitled

why i didn't sleep for four days? i knew at some point you would leave. i figured i could sleep for the rest of my life.

aim true

your honey tongue emits
sweet sticky words
that poison my heart like a doe in the wood.

i would follow you home all the same,
but you'd rather see me fall
and squirm.

oh, how they praise you
in astoundment at your kill.
what a beauty, what skill you've displayed.

you're the toast of the town.
are you known
for adding insult to injury?

you should be.

a grand affair

you linger the tantallizing prospect of love in front of my watery, hungry eyes. you've come to realize how to get the best of my kind. the contender is you. i've never been swindled so convincingly. my confidence has never previously survived such an affair. you might very well be the sweetest bastard i've ever met.

leaving

i used to wake up in the night with a jolt. i had stopped hearing daniel breathe. i was terrified that he'd just slip away. he was. and the fear and anger and despair of these trials of life made it so that i let myself slip, too. for him, drugs. infidelity. my essence was forgotten.

much later, i after i came back to myself, i laid in my bed. sleep called me and i wanted to succumb...but johnny couldn't sleep. he said, "do you want me to let you sleep? i can't."

"no." i said, "keep talking." i wanted to be conscious in that moment as long as i could have it. he left a little after five. he had talked all night. he never wanted his movies back. strange to me, since i knew he didn't care to see me again.