can i hurt you? (anthony hindsight)

i see the way your lies envelop your existence. how they eat you away. how you sink deeper into your hedonistic ways. indulging is all you can do to cope with the irrevocable events that shaped your life. everyone loses. you hurt, she hurts...i hurt. i'm done compromising myself. what i need, my desires. i constantly remind myself that you would only drag me down. you would lie and cheat and never truly be my partner and equal. i would never be respected for my beliefs or the magnificent person i am.


but i've never been spoken to that way. i've never been looked at in that manner. there was no fear in your eyes when you looked at me. and i've never been handled with such affection and assertiveness. when i looked at you, i saw every pure and remarkable sliver of your being that you'd forgotten and forsaken. i held back as much as i could for fear of rejection. but i would have loved you. and i would have believed in your ability to love me.

between friends

lee: why am i such a shitty lover? not sexually, emotionally.

me: you're not a shitty lover. you're a muse. they don't fall in love and they're wanted by everyone. they get bored easily. they're endlessly witty and beautiful and artistic. i am not a muse. i am a lover. you are a muse.

lee: thank you.

Me: just the truth sistergirl. we're all doomed to hurt.

lee: shit shit shit

me: i just wait for the next time i'm in someone's arms, and hope it makes me feel the way it should and not the way it shouldn't. ahha and hope that it doesn't leave. not the feeling (that isn't a mystery) but the person.

lee: i suck. i'm the one that leaves. every time. i'm a shitty person and i like to escape.

me: you are twenty-three years old. do what you like. do what you like till you die.

untitled

why i didn't sleep for four days? i knew at some point you would leave. i figured i could sleep for the rest of my life.

aim true

your honey tongue emits
sweet sticky words
that poison my heart like a doe in the wood.

i would follow you home all the same,
but you'd rather see me fall
and squirm.

oh, how they praise you
in astoundment at your kill.
what a beauty, what skill you've displayed.

you're the toast of the town.
are you known
for adding insult to injury?

you should be.

a grand affair

you linger the tantallizing prospect of love in front of my watery, hungry eyes. you've come to realize how to get the best of my kind. the contender is you. i've never been swindled so convincingly. my confidence has never previously survived such an affair. you might very well be the sweetest bastard i've ever met.

leaving

i used to wake up in the night with a jolt. i had stopped hearing daniel breathe. i was terrified that he'd just slip away. he was. and the fear and anger and despair of these trials of life made it so that i let myself slip, too. for him, drugs. infidelity. my essence was forgotten.

much later, i after i came back to myself, i laid in my bed. sleep called me and i wanted to succumb...but johnny couldn't sleep. he said, "do you want me to let you sleep? i can't."

"no." i said, "keep talking." i wanted to be conscious in that moment as long as i could have it. he left a little after five. he had talked all night. he never wanted his movies back. strange to me, since i knew he didn't care to see me again.

we're all such masochists.

fuck all of it. is loss exactly that? does it mean i should lose the memories and the love and whatever the fuck else i keep? forget all of it? free myself of it? did i hate to watch eternal sunshine because i knew it was real and an experience i never wanted to confront?

just pretend you've never been in love. pretend you've never even wanted to. this might be the only thing you can do to survive. your heart is much too sick otherwise. forget about it.

love material things. love experiences. forget companionship. forget passion. forget romance. forget intensity. forget trust. forget love. forget every single male you thought was worth anything.

"O, teach me how i should forget to think"