leaving

i used to wake up in the night with a jolt. i had stopped hearing daniel breathe. i was terrified that he'd just slip away. he was. and the fear and anger and despair of these trials of life made it so that i let myself slip, too. for him, drugs. infidelity. my essence was forgotten.

much later, i after i came back to myself, i laid in my bed. sleep called me and i wanted to succumb...but johnny couldn't sleep. he said, "do you want me to let you sleep? i can't."

"no." i said, "keep talking." i wanted to be conscious in that moment as long as i could have it. he left a little after five. he had talked all night. he never wanted his movies back. strange to me, since i knew he didn't care to see me again.