H

so my last entry was supposed to be much shorter and these words were meant to be included, here it goes...

i have come to believe - out of lack of a better theory - that i can smell heroin on men. i have never witnessed anyone using this drug, i have never seen it. i wouldn't physically be able to recognize the smell from any other smell, let alone name it. so how does this make any sense? out of the five men i have ever wanted to love, four have encountered it. to my knowledge, this drug is not extremely common, no? i also hadn't acquired this information about any of them until quite after i desired them. okay, you might say that i am dangerously attracted to tragedy, and at that accusation i would whole-heartedly agree. i mean, really - there's nothing more romantic than sadness. it has been my life's aspiration to find a soul unlike mine that could emulate my need for restlessness and my fascination with personal tribulations...so that i could be a purity that he's always yearned for. something that is his alone. that reminds him to have faith in man. i want to ease his soul and i want him to stir mine.

but i can't let let this surprisingly large ratio be regarded as a mere coincidence! maybe the scientists have it right! maybe they know a thing or two, and are just being much too broad about the whole thing. our motives are on a biological level, i feel. and they vary greatly. but i still think i can smell H.